


Equal Minds

by szaryherbatnik



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hisoka/Illumi Dynamics, Illumi Likes Bugs, Kissing, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Chairman Election Arc, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:42:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29274156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/szaryherbatnik/pseuds/szaryherbatnik
Summary: Chrollo and Illumi have a reading session together, then a smoke. The one thing they don't have together is a mutual crush. Only Chrollo has that.
Relationships: Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	Equal Minds

Chrollo looked up from his book for the fifth time this hour. For the first time in months, it was hard for him to focus for more than a few minutes. The atmosphere for a reading session was perfect, it was dark outside, and raindrops silently tapped on the roof, but he kept reading the same page over and over again, not being able to understand a word. It wasn’t his fault though. 

A few meters away from him sat the new member of the Phantom Troupe. Illumi Zoldyck- number eleven. He was sitting across the room by the window, they were the only two people in the headquarters. Illumi hasn’t looked in Chrollo’s direction in what felt like ages.

He was a new addition, he joined no more than two years after Pakunoda’s death. None of the other members knew about him, except for Kalluto, Illumi’s younger brother, who didn’t seem to mind Illumi’s presence. Or at least he didn’t speak up about it. Chrollo tried to understand why he hadn’t introduced the man to the rest of the Troupe. The only conclusion he could come up with was “ _ This is what’s best for them.” _ And that was enough for now. 

Illumi was sitting at the same window Hisoka would always occupy. Hisoka was always on the right side. Illumi was on the left, he was looking outside through the dirty glass panes. The candle flames surrounding Chrollo quivered as he changed positions. He slightly covered his chest with the fur coat, feeling weirdly exposed. Even though they were the only people in the room, even though the Zoldyck hadn't looked his way in over an hour.

In the past few weeks, Chrollo was only sure about one of the Zoldyck’s traits. He was honest. Which at times turned out to be quite hurtful. When they met Illumi clearly stated he knew Hisoka. Of course he spared Chrollo all the details as he wasn’t a chatty person. All Chrollo knew was that Hisoka and Illumi had a “give and take” relationship, which turned into something that weirdly sounded like a marriage. And for very obvious reasons that bothered Chrollo a lot.

Since Chrollo got his nen back he didn’t have much time to sit around and think. During his absence the spiders got into a few problems that he couldn’t directly help with, which led to countless nights where he stayed up till the sunrise, to feel less like a disappointment. But this was the one topic he really should have thought about. Why was Illumi here? A different question would be more suitable. Why did Chrollo let him into the Phantom Troupe? Why did Chrollo let Hisoka’s friend get so close to him?

Friend. Were Illumi and Hisoka...friends? Chrollo had no idea what to think of their relationship. He never heard Hisoka mention having an assassin boyfriend, husband, or friend. Despite that Chrollo saw the smallest sparkle in Illumi’s eyes when the magician’s name fell from his lips. His lips had a nice shape. His eyes were very pretty too.

He was aware of Illumi’s beauty, and he didn’t particularly mind it. It felt right to appreciate someone’s looks, Illumi was worth appreciating, worth looking at. Yet Chrollo still hoped his frequent stares went by unnoticed.

Chrollo wished he could come up to Illumi, stand above him and ask him why. Why did he join the Troupe? He was strong enough to act on his own, he had Hisoka as an ally too, so why? Perhaps it was an evil plan Hisoka thought of. Something that would destroy Chrollo’s life. That was the first thing Chrollo thought of when he met Illumi. Yet he still let him join. 

For some reason, Chrollo couldn’t imagine a person such as Illumi doing the evil things that Hisoka did. Of course, he knew Illumi was an assassin, in a way he was evil. But seeing him sitting so calmly above the mess that was the Troupe’s base, made Chrollo feel at peace. How could a person with such long, lush hair, nice lips, and pretty eyes kill?

Perhaps it added to the charm Illumi had. So different from Hisoka’s. Perhaps Chrollo was starting to understand why the Zoldyck family had a literal fanbase. Hisoka may have been aware of what Illumi’s looks and aura would do to Chrollo. It made Chrollo furious.

The words on Chrollo’s page didn’t even look like words anymore, they were mixing very slowly together. It would be much easier to read a book with Illumi as the main character. Chrollo always tried to connect with people who would make interesting characters in a story. He has never written even a page of fiction, he never even tried, however, he tried to lead his life as it was a story, like the main character writing in the first person. Even if Illumi Zoldyck was nothing more than a book character, Chrollo’s position would remain. Almost no one but a silent observer.

He turned out to be a pretty shitty observer because suddenly Illumi wasn’t sitting by the window. Instead, he was walking towards Chrollo, not making a single sound. His hair swayed gently behind him. He sat down again, only now he was not more than two meters away from Chrollo. His manner was casual, natural. Chrollo didn’t say anything, but he was looking at Illumi as if expecting an explanation.

“It was getting cold by the windows”

Oh. That explained it. 

The flames flickered around them gently. Despite Chrollo having his nen back, he felt powerless against the other man. His heart was beating slightly faster, his mind praying that Illumi can’t notice how flushed his face is. What would happen if they kissed? Chrollo was skimming over every romance book he has ever read, even the dumb and cliché ones, trying to guess how would a person like Illumi react to a sudden, soft kiss, placed on his lips by his enemy. His boss, his lover’s nemesis. 

The word “lover” made Chrollo wince slightly. It left a negative aftertaste in his thoughts. A stain on They couldn’t possibly be together. Hisoka was a traitor, a psychopath incapable of loving another person. And even if somehow he became fond of someone, why did it have to be Illumi? 

Chrollo scolded himself for the weird possessiveness portrayed in his thoughts. He felt attached to Illumi in a very peculiar way. They met only a month ago, if Illumi’s statements were correct, he met Hisoka almost two years ago. Chrollo liked to think he knew at least a few things about Hisoka, would it really be this weird for him to… love someone who tolerated his attitude for such a long time. 

It bugged Chrollo. Were tolerance and acceptance enough to be called love? It couldn’t be. Chrollo believed in love. Actual love. The Troupe members called him Danchou, it made him sound superior but he truly wasn’t. It was a policy. A spider can still live on without its head, Chrollo didn’t think highly of himself amongst the Troupe. The media described them as a gang of criminals, which was true but from the Troupe’s perspective, it was different. It was much more than that. They were like a family. None of the members were close with other people. Even Kalluto, who had parents and a few siblings, was only truly appreciated by the spiders.

And Illumi was an exception. But a beautiful one. Chrollo caught himself staring yet again. Who wouldn’t stare? It almost felt like a blessing, having someone so ethereal sitting so closely. 

Now that Illumi couldn’t observe the rainy weather outside, he was also reading. Illumi’s fingers were covering its title but Chrollo was sure it was a first edition. Of course, someone as rich as a Zoldyck would have a first edition. Chrollo collected old books, the more it smelled like an antique shop, the more notes and rips it had, the more beautiful it was. A story within a story. Chrollo wondered if someone like Illumi or Zoldycks, in general, were able to appreciate such things in books.

It took a few seconds for Chrollo to contain himself and finally say something to Illumi. He felt like a nervous high school student confessing to a crush. 

“What are you reading?” Illumi looked him in the eyes, suddenly the flames of the candles felt hotter on Chrollo’s skin. “If I may ask.”

Illumi turned his gaze back to his lecture. He put a finger between the pages, closed the book, and lifted it up for Chrollo to see. Ah, a great choice.

“ _ I have no mouth but I must scream _ ” Illumi read the title out loud. Chrollo has read it before, but never a version as old as the one Illumi held. He didn’t mention which edition it was, maybe it wasn’t worth saying, maybe he didn’t want to brag.

“I read it some time ago, it’s pretty good.” This was probably the most casual conversation they had. The corners of Illumi’s mouth lifted for a moment as if admitting that Chrollo was right. He was looking at the page again but it was clear he wasn’t reading yet. “Do you like reading?”

This sounded like the dumbest question on Earth, so simple. But Chrollo was intrigued by the man in front of him to the point that he would ask anything to make him talk. Talk about himself. It wasn’t about the beauty of Illumi’s appearance. He wanted to get to know him, to read his thoughts over and over again. 

“Movies are better,” Illumi stated. He didn’t say it like it was an opinion, he made it sound like it was the truth Chrollo had to accept. Illumi started reading again.

Chrollo took a few deep breaths. He felt like he just survived the most stressful interaction of his life. And he still felt the need to continue talking with Illumi. If there will ever be a time where Illumi feels like family, just like the rest of the spiders, Chrollo wants it now. He wanted to get past this phase, not even knowing how to call it. And so he silently prayed really, really hard. It stopped raining soon after.

***

  
  


A month has passed and it was raining yet again. This time the raindrops were gentle, like small kisses given by nature herself. Chrollo was standing on the balcony of his apartment, leaned against a popcorn wall, a texture Chrollo despised. He had a cigarette in his trembling fingers. The smell of smoke and wet concrete helped him relax a bit, but it was far from enough.

He was actually in his house. Illumi. Illumi Zoldyck was inside his apartment. In the restroom. Hopefully not to message Hisoka about how ridiculous and dumb Chrollo is. 

It took a few conversations and a lot of courage to invite Illumi. The troupe still had no idea he was a member, and Chrollo started to wonder if hiding him really was a good idea. Yet he couldn’t introduce him, not now. Not when he started to get closer with Illumi.

When Chrollo invited Illumi, he wasn’t met with any hesitation. The assassin replied with a simple “sure”, acting like Chrollo didn’t drag his invitation into five different sentences. Maybe it was for the best, it wasn’t nearly as smooth as he wanted to be. Illumi didn’t seem to mind. 

He did take his time to think about how he felt towards Illumi but everytime he reminded himself of his feelings he physically winced. Whenever Illumi was near his heart was pounding, he thought of Illumi while falling asleep and Illumi was his first thought in the morning, his dreams consisted of pictures of Illumi’s hair, lips, eyes, legs, chest. His whole body. Chrollo slowly admitted to himself that leaving a trail of kisses on this body wouldn’t be that bad. In fact it would be truly wonderful.

Chrollo took a long drag from the cigarette as he closed his eyes. A few seconds after he heard a door being closed inside. He turned around to take a peek, Illumi was walking towards him. He returned to his position, letting Illumi go through the balcony door. Illumi closed his eyes, the cool air hitting his skin. He leaned against the handrail, exposing his back to the rain. He remained unbothered by the fact that his purple jacket would be soaking wet in a few minutes. He looked Chrollo in the eyes, tilting his head. Chrollo grabbed the cigarette pack from his back pocket.

“Do you want one?” He asked to present the pack in front of him. Illumi reached for a cigarette.

He placed it in his mouth and moved towards Chrollo, who had to think for a few seconds after pulling out a lighter. As the flame was lit, Illumi got even closer to Chrollo and put his hand around the fire, protecting it. The moment he felt smoke hit his lungs, in one swift motion he was leaning against the rail again. Chrollo knew smoking was an unhealthy habit, but how could something so attractive be bad?

“I didn’t know you smoke,” Chrollo said, a gentle smile appeared on his face. It was true, maybe he was too occupied with his nicotine addiction, he never realized Illumi smoked too. It couldn’t have been his first time, he was in his twenties, everyone has smoked at least once by then.

“Because I don’t. It doesn’t do anything for me.” Illumi’s gaze traveled through the entire scenery, he observed each corner while Chrollo’s eyes settled on him. He didn’t notice. “That doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a cigarette once in a while.”

Chrollo nodded. A comfortable silence fell between the two of them. Suddenly Illumi stepped closer to the wall, pointing at the wall behind Chrollo, eyes focused on one spot. Chrollo, confused, turned around to look at the direction Illumi was pointing in.

It was a moth. A single moth, who seemed to be way more comfortable on the popcorn wall than Chrollo. It wasn’t unusual in its looks or size. The wings were mostly white with brown spots all around them, the more Chrollo looked at it, the more patterns and colors he noticed. Each wing had a dark spot resembling an eye. It was one of the fluffier moths, with antennae resembling plastic combs you could buy at a kiosk.

“It’s pretty,” Chrollo stated because it really was. And he wasn’t sure how to react. Illumi was never this excited by anything. Chrollo could feel Illumi’s body beside him. They were never this close. He glanced at the assassin’s face. Illumi’s eyes were focused on the bug, a few wet hair strands were sticking to his cheeks and his forehead. The corners of his lips were forming a smile.

“It is, isn't it? It’s an emperor moth, saturnia pavonia” The moment Illumi said the moth’s scientific name Chrollo’s heart skipped a beat, Latin sounded so rich coming from Illumi’s mouth. “Notice it has feathered antennae, it’s a male.”

“Is it like...rare?” Illumi glanced at Chrollo as if scolding him for such a simple question. But science was the one thing Chrollo didn’t care about. He did care about Illumi’s interests though. “Sorry, I don’t know anything about these things.”

Illumi’s smile grew wider for a second. He straightened up but didn’t return to his previous location. He and Chrollo were no more than a few centimeters apart. 

“No, it’s common, at least here.” Illumi glanced one last time at the moth, who hasn’t moved at all throughout this entire conversation. “That doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty.”

His voice was serious. It was then when Chrollo realized how tall Illumi was. Standing so close to each other forced Chrollo to look up in order to meet Illumi’s eyes. Despite his nervousness, he felt comfortable. Somehow he didn’t mind Illumi being so close.

Chrollo felt his body shiver as Illumi’s finger traced the sleeve of his white button-up. His chest was visibly rising and falling at a quick pace. Still looking into each other’s eyes, Illumi put his hand on Chrollo’s shoulder. Chrollo on the other hand had no idea where his arms should go, his hand slowly went up to Illumi’s face and tucked a few hair strands behind Illumi’s ear. 

He has never been this embarrassed in his life. Before meeting Illumi, he flirted with such ease, no one has ever made Chrollo’s heartbeat so fast. And just like in the romance novels he read, he felt butterflies in his stomach. Illumi must have noticed how  bashful Chrollo was, and he smirked, breathing out through his nose. As his face got serious again, he started to lean in slowly.

The first time they kissed, Illumi’s eyes were half-open, and Chrollo’s were shut, it only felt appropriate to keep them closed. Illumi lifted his foot off the ground while putting his hand on Chrollo’s face and caressed his cheek. The kiss wasn’t passionate or rough, yet when their lips parted, Chrollo let out a shaky breath. He felt dizzy, his mind was slowly processing what had happened.

“Wow, that was...nice.” was all he could say. He looked up at Illumi who’s eyebrow was slightly lifted, like he expected a full-on review of the  _ kissing Illumi experience _ . “Very nice.”

“We could do it again if you want,” Illumi said and Chrollo wondered what caused him to be so up-front about this. Why did he kiss Chrollo? Why did he ask to kiss him again? 

Chrollo’s heart was pounding, he couldn’t understand why a moment he was secretly waiting for, for two months, caused him to think this way. To think he was being betrayed yet again. Because wasn’t Illumi with Hisoka? Weren’t they dating? Since his first conversation with Illumi, Hisoka’s name was never mentioned again. Yet it still haunted Chrollo when he least expected it. 

Illumi’s hand dove into Chrollo’s pushed-back hair. Somehow that simple gesture relaxed Chrollo, he leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. Very slowly, Chrollo started to lean into another kiss. Illumi closed his eyes and their lips met again.

The second kiss felt different, it lasted longer than the previous one. Chrollo’s free hand was now touching Illumi’s lower back. They parted for a few seconds to take a few breaths and connected again.

Chrollo couldn’t stop thinking. Judas also kissed Jesus before betraying him. Yet Illumi was still part of the Troupe, it felt so wrong to doubt Illumi after letting him in. Into the Troupe and into his heart. If he ever gets betrayed again, it will probably be his fault. For a second Chrollo felt pathetic. Showing vulnerability of his body and mind in hopes of Illumi doing the same thing. He probably failed in gaining mutual trust. The head of the spider got weak the second it saw a pretty boy. 

What happens after you end a kiss? Chrollo certainly cannot ask Illumi if he'll betray the spiders. He can't tell him how much he hates the fact the lips he's kissing right now were most probably kissed by Hisoka before. Who knows, maybe even during the last twenty four hours. He couldn't tell him how scared he was of being betrayed yet again, this time by someone he could love someday. The thought of even mentioning one of these topics made Chrollo dizzy again, this time in a very bad way. Yet he reminded himself that it shouldn't matter because his lips were still on Illumi's, and they felt so soft.

He deepened the kiss and prayed this moment could last forever.

  
  



End file.
